Explain: Jean Claude Van Damme

First off, the poll is about half way through now. The results aren't too encouraging as to whether or not I'll be using any Mysteries of Westgate content (which depends entirely on how that content is available anyway), because it looks like not too many people will be buying it.

Not as many impulse buyers as I would have thought either. I certainly am, but it's pretty lame to vote on your own poll so I don't count.

Anyway, I finished the large banquet cutscene, weighed in at over 6000 words...and you have to read most of them! So it's pretty long, not Trial in Neverwinter long, but none-the-less pretty long. There's also another lengthy cutscene to follow, not as long, but lengthy, that needs to be finished, and all of the post banquet dialogue needs to be done for everyone in the Palace. But I've made a lot of headway and am nearly ready to move on to the next area.

So that's the news there.

Anyway though, I know I've brought this up several times on my old blog, but for those of you catching up I have the Showtime/Encore movie channel package, which sucks. They get the scraps of HBO/Cinemax/Starz (and if you're doing worse than a network that uses a 'z' in place of an 's', you've got problems), so they basically get the worst movies possible. For instance, they've pretty much been marathoning The Hillz, of which Paris Hilton is the main character. I think. I haven't actually seen this movie, but since there's a 'z' where there should be an 's' there's really no point in even speculation on the possibility that this movie isn't God F-ing awful.

Anyway, point is Showtime and Encore both suck as movie channels. It's saving grace is that they're not really that picky about what they'll play, so a lot of older "classic" movies. I'm using "classic" pretty liberally here, as you probably won't catch any Citizen Kane or anything, but HBO doesn't play those kind of classics either because...alright, as a work of art, yeah, cool, but as an actual entertaining movie that you'd want to sit down and watch, you could do better. Honestly, I thought Stanely Kubrick's 2001: Space Odessey was a pile of crap when I saw it, and said so aloud in my film class, and was publicly scolded. Whatever, have you ever actually watched that movie? It's sucks, I don't care.

Again, anyway, you'll see a lot of classics. I'm talking like the Ghoulies, Puppet Master, Hellraiser, Critters, The Thing, Conan the Destroyer, Gymkata, Master of the Flying Guillotine, Ong Bak (which has an awesome soundtrack btw), well, you get the point. Movies you probably forgot about that were awesome at the time and you still dig. Nah, but you have to wade through monumental piles of crap to find them and their original programming sucks aside from Penn and Teller (incidentally, they also play crappy casinos out in Vegas, what's wrong with them two?), but if you're patient and have an iron will, you will succeed where most have failed.

So that's what I did when I caught Universal Soldier, starring Jean Claude Van Damme, who was huge in the 90's but now probably most famous for beating his wife and going to jail, and Dolph Lundgren most famous for a scene in which Brandon Lee, floudering where his legendary father had infinite success: the Action genre, took a role in which one of his speaking parts was complimenting Dolph's penis and then got killed in The Crow which also wasn't that great of a movie but people love kind of like Scarface. Also he played Ivan Drago and beat the chit out of Stallone for like an hour.

Fun Fact: That entire paragraph consisted of only two sentences, one of which was a blatant run on!

Anyway, JCVD was huge in the 90's, and Universal Soldier is often cited as his best movie, aside from perhaps Bloodsport. After seeing it the other day, I'm wondering how did that dude get so big? It's not that good of a movie! The barely coherent plotline is full of more holes than the giant Germanic barbarian slave in Gladiator in the opening sequence (or, if this is a better reference, the ear necklace Dolph wears throughout the movie), the acting worse than the acting of the giant Germanic barbarian slave in Gladiator, and there's no kung fu or JCVD doing the splits (though he stands around nekkid a few times...ladies! Nah, but every since he beat his wife, I don't even think the gulls like him that much), which is pretty much the entire point of casting the guy.

Nah, that movie is not good. I wouldn't say it sucks, but it's not good. Doesn't matter though, because you could easily call that his best work and still have to explain The Quest (which is just Bloodsport except it sucks), Time Cop (which just sucks), Streetfighter(!), Double Team (which is just that Jackie Chan movie but it sucks. Well, more.), Lionheart (which is just Bloodsport but it sucks), Kickboxer (which is just bloodsport but it not as good, but not sucks) Cyborg (incidentally I also caught Cyborg 2 later that same day which stars a young Angelina Jolie (which I also caught Hackers a few days before, which really deserves it's own post about the portrayal of computers in movies, but also stars a young Angelina in a see through shirt and Goth looking), but doesn't star Rosario Dawson who is, IMO strictly as a married man, way hotter), etc., etc., etc. you've got to wonder, how did this guy get famous? This guy messed up worse than Segal somehow, and yet he never should have had that option because he only made crappy movies whereas Segal was the joint during the same time but much less recognized. Far as I know though, JCVD didn't even get fat so there's really no excuse.

Anyway, all this has given me the inspiration to go to Blockbuster this weekend and rent the entire Hellraiser series and watch them all. Because if I'm going to watch crappy movies, it may as well have Pinhead instead of JCVD's naked ass.

The end.